


It's not okay, but it will get better

by NotMarie



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Depression, I'm Sorry, M/M, Slight Angst?, Suicidal Attempts, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 12:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9180991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotMarie/pseuds/NotMarie
Summary: Jihoon suffers from depression because of his brother's death. Soonyoung was with him every step of the way.(Previously entitled Home)





	

 

Jihoon looked at the river just below the bridge he was stepping on. He heard how fast the water flows and how the wind blows. He shifts his gaze towards the night sky. He doesn't know if he is hallucinating, but he somehow made a dinosaur from the stars. He laughs bitterly to himself, and eventually, his laughter turned to sniffs and sobs. It was three in the morning, and no one would notice it. He just needed to let the wind push him towards the water, and that will end everything.

_He just wanted to get over it._

Jihoon faces the sky to look at the dinosaur constellation he saw and smiles. He now closes his eyes and spreads his arms. He whispers, " _Mister wind, please push me to the water now. Please."_ A tear slips from Jihoon's eye, followed by another, and another. Jihoon patiently waited for the wind to push him, but a pair of strong arms grabbed him and dragged him away from the edge of the bridge. The same pair of arms then envelopes him in a back hug. Jihoon heard a couple of sniffs, so he opens his eyes. He looks at Soonyoung with teary eyes. He pulls away from the back hug to see him properly. Jihoon looks at Soonyoung's eyes, and he couldn't help but cry. Soonyoung, who was also crying, wraps Jihoon in another warm embrace. He doesn't mind if Jihoon is getting his shirt wet with tears, or he isn't wearing a coat in a cold night. He only cares about Jihoon, as always. Soonyoung brought his lips closer to Jihoon's ears. Jihoon could feel Soonyoung's trembling breath, and he couldn't help but feel sorry for both of them. After a couple of deep breaths, Soonyoung speaks.

 _"Y-you scared me, Hoonie. P-please don't do that again."_ And more tears streamed down Soonyoung's face. Jihoon buries his face deeper unto the man's chest as he clutched unto the man's shirt.

" _Soonyoung, m-my little brother. I-I miss him, I miss him so much._ " Soonyoung gently pulled away from the hug to hold Jihoon's face. He then makes Jihoon look at him. He looked at Jihoon, love and worry evident in his eyes. He wipes Jihoon's tears with his thumb before he pressed a kiss unto Jihoon's forehead.

" _H-hoonie, let's go home._ "

_Jihoon nods. Soonyoung insisted to carry him on his back, and Jihoon was too tired to argue. Jihoon scolds Soonyoung for a while because he isn't wearing thick clothes while Soonyoung scolded him for leaving the house at an ungodly hour. They walked home crying, but nevertheless, Jihoon felt fine._

It has been two months since Lee Chan, Jihoon's younger brother, died. Two months has passed, but Jihoon is not coping well. Soonyoung knows. Soonyoung witnessed it.

He witnessed how Jihoon cried in his sleep, how Jihoon calls his brother's name. He saw how Jihoon cried when he sees anything that reminded him of his brother, but Soonyoung understands. Jihoon has always been the understanding one between the two of them, but Soonyoung understands Jihoon, and Jihoon's all that matters to him. He was orphaned by his criminal father (from whom he got his bad temper), but Jihoon never looked at him with such judging eyes. Jihoon is all he haves, and he would do anything for him.

It was still fresh from Jihoon's memory. His brother's bright smile, his laughter that echoed through the halls of his and his boyfriend's shared apartment every time he paid a visit, and his eyes. Chan's eyes were always sparkling, as if everything is good in this world. His eyes were always curious too. Chan gives the third warmest hugs, next to Soonyoung's and their mother's. Jihoon smiles at the thought of his brother and how much he loves dinosaurs. Chan talks about it whenever he gets a chance and Jihoon would pretend that he's not interested, but he listens anyway. Chan loved him and accepted him even after he confessed to his family that he is gay. He was rather happy for his brother.

Jihoon then remembers a very familiar scene where he walked with Chan in the middle of the night to buy snacks. As usual, Chan talked about dinosaurs and the most random things. Soonyoung wanted to come with them, but Chan insisted that he needs time alone with his brother because he misses him. Soonyoung was feeling uneasy but when Jihoon gave him an assuring smile, he thinks he maybe just overthinking and lets them go.

On the way back to the apartment, Chan bumped unto a police officer. Chan didn't made a big fuss out of it, but the officer did. The policeman calls their attention, so they looked at the man. Even from a three-feet distance, Jihoon can smell the alcohol that reeked from the officer, and Jihoon is having a bad feeling about it. He then pulls Chan to hide behind him and politely speaks to the officer. Jihoon apologizes but the drunk officer wasn't satisfied with it and tells Jihoon and Chan that they should be on their knees. The police officer pulls out his ID card and points at it while telling them they should follow him because he's a police. A nerve snapped inside Chan, so he steps forward and tries to tell the policeman that what he is doing is actually abuse of authoritative power and that he and his brother didn't do anything wrong, but before he could finish speaking, a loud bang was heard and Chan started to throw up blood. It was followed by another gunshot and a loud thud. Chan is now on his knees as he tried to apply pressure to where he got shot, but he was too weak to even move his hand. Jihoon ran to his brother's side and held him tight. With shaky hands, he pries his phone from his pocket and dials Soonyoung's number. Soonyoung answers with a cheery tone, but it immediately changed to a worried one.

" _S-Soonyoung, Chan. . . He g-got shot. Please help us."_

Jihoon held his brother's body with so much care, as if it will break upon his touch. He lightly slaps Chan's face to keep him awake, but he failed. The last thing Jihoon remembered was the sound of sirens, hurried footsteps, blood on his hands, and the lifeless look on his dear brother's face.

  
Jihoon was traumatized. He saw his brother's sparkling eyes turn dull, as if a gem that lost its luster, and it was too painful for Jihoon. He didn't went to convenience stores, and he was scared of police officers. He never drank alcoholic beverages after that incident too. Every night, Jihoon would have a hard time sleeping, but when he does sleep, all Soonyoung hears were muffled sniffs, apologies, and Chan's name. Still, Soonyoung tried to live as if nothing changed.

( _He knew everything has changed, because he missed Chan too. Chan treated him like a real older brother and never judged him because of his father. Chan is someone who he loves dearly, he is like Jihoon and his baby. Soonyoung blamed himself everyday for Chan's death, but there's nothing he can do now. Chan is now gone, and they could never change it._ )

Soonyoung understands Jihoon and he will do everything for him, even if it means becoming like his father.

Jihoon was still afraid of police officers because the killer was never caught. He fled even before the ambulance came. Still, he left an important thing in the crime scene. The killer left his ID card. Since Soonyoung was the first to arrive at the crime scene, he picks it up and puts it in his pocket. He takes a photo of it before handing it to the police. Jihoon was scared of them, so every time he went to the police station for interrogations and updates on Chan's case, he brings Soonyoung with him.

The case didn't have much progress, and Jihoon isn't getting better. Soonyoung tried to understand the police that shot Chan, but after the night Jihoon tried to jump off the bridge, he decided to take matters unto his own hands.

He searched and searched for that murderer but every time he finds a lead, something pushes him back to the start. He tried so hard until he found him, but he can't just kill him there and then. He planned everything. He hired someone to stalk the man to know his whereabouts at every time of day. He made notes in his mind and planned everything. Of course, he went with Jihoon at every counseling and interrogation. He helped Jihoon every step of the way, and Jihoon couldn't be more grateful.

Soonyoung wakes up to a crying Jihoon for the fifth time this week. Jihoon covered himself in his comforter and curled to a ball. Soonyoung's heart broke at the sight of his love. He wants to cry too, but he has to be strong. He removes Jihoon's blanket, just enough to see his face, and he sees Jihoon's frustrated face. Jihoon looks at Soonyoung, and Soonyoung stood up to get water. As soon as came back to their room, he asked Jihoon to sit. Jihoon complies. Soonyoung had never seen Jihoon this frustrated. He holds Jihoon's hands and rubs circles against it. With his broken voice, Jihoon speaks.

" _I-I hate him, Soonyoung."_

Soonyoung froze and looked at Jihoon.

" _Chan, I mean. I hate him. W-why does he have to die like t-that?_ " Jihoon covers his face with his hands as he continued to speak.

" _W-why is the police officer that s-shot him still not a-arrested? W-why is he alive, he's a bad person. W-why did Chan have to die? He's annoying at times, but h-he's a good kid. Why?_ "

Jihoon's voice was filled with anger, frustration, sadness. Soonyoung envelopes Jihoon in a warm hug. He hated seeing Jihoon like this. He runs a hand on Jihoon's hair and rubs circles on his back. Soonyoung makes up his mind.

" _We'll get him, Jihoon. We'll find the killer. I promise."_

Jihoon resigned from his job. He knew he won't be able to focus for the time being, and Soonyoung understands. Soonyoung works and makes a plan for his revenge, but he never neglects Jihoon. Everyday, he'd cook breakfast. He'll wake Jihoon up and bring a food tray to their bed. Jihoon smiles. They'll cuddle until Soonyoung has to get ready for work, and Jihoon will always kiss Soonyoung on the cheek before he left. When Soonyoung leaves, Jihoon uses this time to think. He thinks about his life choices, and Chan. There are times when good memories overpower sad ones, but he feels sad most of the time.

Soonyoung comes home and was shocked to not see Jihoon by the couch. He was not at their bedroom too. He heard the sound of gushing water, so he ran to their bathroom. He panicked when the door was locked. Without a second thought, he breaks the knob and opens the door. He saw Jihoon lying on their bath tub, water mixed with Jihoon's blood. Soonyoung turns off the faucet and carried Jihoon's body to their bedroom. He gets the first aid kit from the bathroom and quickly tends the red lines on Jihoon's arms.

Jihoon opens his eyes and cries when he sees himself still alive and in a fresh set of clothes. Soonyoung ran quickly to their room as soon as he heard something fall. Jihoon looked at the man. Soonyoung wore an apron, and a delicious scent filled their home. On the room's floor, a broken lamp shade laid. On the bed, an angry Jihoon was having a breakdown.

 " _Why do you still love me, huh? Why do you stay? Why don't you just leave like how everybody left me?_ " Jihoon shouted at Soonyoung. Soonyoung's heart breaks again. He comes closer to Jihoon and replies, " _because I love you, Jihoonie. I love you and I won't leave you._ " He hugs Jihoon, Jihoon lightly punches his chest until he lets himself get drowned in the hug as he cried. Jihoon felt pity for both of them. For him because he is a miserable wreck who can't get over his brother's death, and for Soonyoung for loving this miserable wreck.

" _Don't love me, Soonyoung. Stop loving me. I don't deserve you, you don't deserve someone broken, a-and suicidal, and ugly, and pathetic--"_ Soonyoung cuts him off with a kiss. Soonyoung pulls away from the kiss and plants a kiss on Jihoon's forehead. He hugs Jihoon again and speaks up.

" _You are perfect, Lee Jihoon. If anything, it's me who don't deserve you."_

Jihoon pulls away from the hug, Soonyoung holds his face. Soonyoung wiped his tears once again. He then leans his forehead against Jihoon's, closes his eyes, and speaks.

" _Don't do that again, okay? Chan won't be happy seeing you like that. I love you, Jihoon. You have me."_

Soonyoung pulls him for a short, sweet kiss. He breaks the kiss and brings their foreheads together. Soonyoung spoke as tears streamed down his face.

 

 _"I know that it's not okay, Jihoon. It's not okay, but everything will be better."_ Soonyoung pulls away and wipes Jihoon's tears. He looked at Jihoon's eyes, and with conviction he speaks. _"It will get better. I promise."_

 

That night, Jihoon made up his mind.

As soon as Soonyoung left for work the next morning, Jihoon dressed up in nice clothes and went to a flower shop. After buying pretty flowers, he heads his way. He stops in front of opened gates. It was the town's cemetery. He musters his courage and starts walking. Jihoon sat by the grass, a tombstone beside him that read, _Lee Chan February 1999-August 20XX A brother, a son, a friend. He will be dearly missed_. Jihoon removed the dead pieces of leaves. Chan's body wasn't cremated. It was what he told Jihoon when he was twelve. Chan was really scared of fire, fire took their mother from them. Beside Chan's tombstone was their mother's. Jihoon smiles and places the flower he bought for them. Jihoon touches the tombstone once again before he stood up and started walking home.

  
_Good bye, Chan. Hyung will miss you, but I know you're in a better place. I guess we won't be seeing each other for quite some time, so you have to wait longer. You know how much I love you, right? Sorry if I tried to see you sooner, I won't do it again._

_Chan, I'm letting you go._

 

  
That night, Soonyoung came home to a cooking Jihoon. Jihoon won't be back to his old self just yet, it's a process, and Soonyoung understands. He was happy now that Jihoon is trying, and he won't let anything stop Jihoon from being happy again.

  
It was New Year's eve. Jihoon and Soonyoung prepared quite a feast. It was their first new year's celebration without Chan, but Jihoon is better now. He doesn't feel sad when he remembers Chan, not anymore. He still is a little bit scared of police, but he knows he's getting better with it. Soonyoung looks at his clock and glances at Jihoon before giving him a smile. Jihoon gave him a questioning look.

" _It's ten hour ten minute!_ " Soonyoung said jokingly. Jihoon gave him a blank stare. Soonyoung laughs and pats Jihoon's shoulder. He kisses Jihoon's cheeks before saying that he had somewhere to go to. Jihoon was having doubts, but lets him go anyways. A few minutes after Soonyoung left, Jihoon grabbed his hair in frustration and decided to look after Soonyoung.

Soonyoung saw the man. He observed the man from a distance and waited. He's been looking after him for about an hour now. It was thirty minutes before new year, he grabs the chance. He pulls the man to an empty alley and points the gun against the man's temple.

" _You still can drink in peace even after killing someone?"_

" _W-what are you talking about?_ " The man plays dumb, but Soonyoung knows. Jihoon, who was watching from afar was confused. The man's back was facing Jihoon so he couldn't recognize it, but he saw Soonyoung's gun pointed against the man's head.

" _Don't play dumb, you knew too well what I meant._ " Soonyoung pushes the man, causing him to sit on the ground. Jihoon now sees the profile of the man and just like that, the memories of Chan's death flashed before his eyes.

" _I-I'm sorry! I d-didn't mean to kill anyone, I was having a b-bad day then. S-sorry. Please. . ._ "

Soonyoung felt angry. He then lightly kicks the man's torso before he answers. "I'm having a bad day today, does that mean that I can kill you?"

The killer looked at Soonyoung's face and he was shaking in terror.

" _K-Kwon? But I thought you were in prison! H-how did you look so young?"_

Soonyoung felt angrier, like something in him is starting to explode. He kicks the man once again, the man grabs his stomach in pain. Soonyoung crouches in front of him and points the gun against that man's forehead.

" _So you knew my dad_." Soonyoung shows him a scary smile, the smile he hasn't used for years.

"F-Fine! Shoot me! I guess being a criminal runs in your blood, huh." The man, even he is shaking terribly, managed to shot him a challenging look. Soonyoung stood up while still pointing the gun against the man's temple. He was ready to pull the trigger. He closed his eyes and looked up but suddenly, a man hugged him from behind.

" _Don't do it, Soonyoung. Don't._ "

The police officer's eyes went wide in shock when he saw who was hugging the man that threatened to kill him. How could he forget that face? He saw how the boy held the other boy he shot as if it was his most precious possession. Just like that, tears streamed on the officer's face. The guilt was eating him alive.

Soonyoung's hand were shaking. He then puts the gun in safe mode, looks at Jihoon, and hugs the man.

" _Don't do that, Soonyoung. I don't want to lose you too. Chan w-won't like it, Soonyoung._ " Jihoon buried his face unto Soonyoung's chest. He was crying. Soonyoung lets go of the gun and hugs Jihoon tightly. A few moments later, sirens were heard, and the man that shot Chan sat still on the floor. He was still crying. Jihoon looks at the man. The man cries harder.

" _I'm sorry. I'm sorry_!"

Jihoon went to the man and with a shaking hand, he offered his handkerchief. He gives a small smile and went back to hug Soonyoung. Other police came and handcuffed the man that killed Jihoon's brother. The police mutters apologies and heads their way.

Soonyoung was still crying. Jihoon wiped away his tears as he held back his sobs. Jihoon grabs his hand and pulls him out of the alley to go to the town square nearby. Just as they arrived, people were starting the countdown.

_10_

_9_

_8_

_7_

_6_

_5_

_4_

_3_

_2_

Jihoon holds Soonyoung's face with both hands and started leaning forward.

_1_

And Jihoon's lips met Soonyoung's.

_HAPPY NEW YEAR!_

Jihoon pulled away and made Soonyoung rest his forehead against his before he smiled. He pulls away and looks at Soonyoung. Tears streamed down their faces, they both tried to hold back their sobs. Jihoon smiles sweetly.

" _Let's go home, shall we?_ "

  
_Soonyoung and Jihoon walked hand-in-hand. Jihoon made mistakes, Soonyoung made mistakes, but it's okay. They're still humans, and humans make mistakes. They may have lost someone dear to them, but at least they found themselves, and they found each other. It maybe hard, but they know they can do it. They understand, they will continue to understand each other 'till the end._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I tried. Lol I think this story is weird but I hope you liked it!


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